So i found my long lost passion. You know, that permanent excitement for something other than drugs or alcohol. I mean, who knows, maybe it'll die after a couple months of efforts and epic fails but currently speaking, it's back. I've been feeling like I wanted to get involved with something bigger than myself; something bigger than anything materialistic. Sometimes it makes me sad to think that the people close to me don't feel the same and it's hard for me not to feel superior for wanting to do so. I know my friends have good hearts and intentions, and I'm in no place to judge because it's only been hitting me recently. I'm just tired of crying over dumb things like my image, or my financial situation or even moping over things i don't have. I miss that inner courage to put myself out there with a project that I'm intensely inspired by emotion to create and sometimes i wish i had a partner to share it with. When i talk about it to my friends, they're as enthusiastic as they could possibly be about it and supportive non-the-less but it's the not same as having someone who feels the same fervid enjoyment. They are wonderful friends, no doubt but sometimes i long for more. I sure they wish I was down more to hang out; i guess you always want what you don't have.

Question of the Day 2
youre stuck on an island with three people of your choice. who would it be and why?

Question of the Day
If there was one thing you could let people know about you without being judged, what would it be?

For me it would be: a good 70% of the time I'm deeply, and truly NOT INTERESTED. please do not take it to heart, that's just how i am.

Anyone know where I can buy time for my life?
How do you balance work, friends, family and boyfriend while giving each 110%? Is the other 330% available online for purchase somewhere, I mean it seems pretty unrealistic. When I do good at work, my friend situation sucks. I get blown up or lectured about how I'm not a good friend for not making time to hang or wanting to go out. When my friend situation is good, I suck at work and is constantly ridiculed for not being number one in ten different categories. When my family situation is going good my relationship with my boyfriend is always in question and when me and my boyfriend are finally on a good level my mom says I'm not trying to be apart of their lives. There never is a good balance when each wants your full, undivided attention. How does one manage to be a great everything? Can i get a witness...

mentor number one
Love. I’m starting to think that maybe I never believed in it because I didn’t ever understand it. I always knew that it definitely wasn’t black and white and like it’s portrayed in movies. I always knew that love wasn’t enough and that it takes finance, flexibility, patience and every other positive adjective that dominate classroom posters. Saying that love is enough to sustain a relationship is elemental and then stamping it all-sales-final FOREVER seems like a set up for failure. Wedlock is a gamble and I that’s why drive thru weddings are infamous in Vegas. The meaning of love gets lost in translation when marriage is involved and becomes a scapegoat to scotch tape a miserable and incompatible partnership. I know it takes way more than that to raise a family. I know the only certainty in life is change. I know that trying to predict what someone will be like in ten years is better left to psychic Miss Cleo circa 1997. But as my brain is on auto-pilot, my boyfriend reaches over and gives me the longest, most sincere hug, like he can read my mind. With his eyes closed he says “there’s nothing else that matters more to me than you,” and it this moment I realize what they mean. In that moment it didn’t matter that he has a bad habit of leaving his hobbies all over the couch, or that he’s not very good at communicating his feelings. Nothing mattered because I love him and he’s never done anything but try to keep the relationship alive as I self-destructed my own perfect set up. Even when I forced a break and urged him to see other people, he always remained the same. And for that, I believe. If love is to bend and compromise, then I fold for him. I will change for him and he will unknowingly teach me to love what I have.

Lesson of the month: Learn to love what i have.
Nothing ever satisfied me. By the time i got my hands on what i wanted i either already had something else in mind or i wasn't sure if i wanted it anymore.

my soundtrack (..for now..)
flash back - calvin harris
l'excessive - carla bruni
stay - maurice williams and the zodiacs
sweet shop - doctor p
hybrid moments - misfits
sway - mihcael buble
stars of CCTV - hard-fi
i am not a robot - marina and the diamonds
o.n.e. - yeasayer
the only exception - paramore
just like heaven - the cure
rox in the box - the decemberist
unchained melody - righteous brothers
sea legs - the shins
3030 - deltron
a gondola ride in paris - the messenger
after world - tiger army
babe im gonna leave you - led
kill everybody - skrillex
joker and the thief - wolf mother
this scene is dead - we are scientist
just got to be - the black keys
shes so fly - grindmode
fairwell to the fairground - white lies
woo boost - rusko
puppets - atmosphere
beautiful girl - cunninglynguists
bella luna - jason mraz
black and gold - sam sparro
red house - jimi hendrix
black magic woman - santana
cocaine blues = johnny cash
voodoo child - jimi hendrix

confession: i hate going out.
I promised myself and my boyfriend that i would be more out going and go with the flow more often but i can't seem to kick this feeling of regret when i actually agree to go. Is it so wrong that i might actually wanna do something other than drink? Im a total lush with no medium and when i drink, i almost always get alcohol poisoning. I initially came up with this new compromise , but why do i feel like im the only one losing out? Why am i weird for being a home body but no one says anything about your distaste for being home? Sometimes i wish i could just disappear .

20 things you should know before walking into a cell phone store
As I reflect on my five year legacy with a popular cell phone company, I can’t help but marvel like a senior citizen at the growth in technology but more importantly, our dependence of the cell phone.  What was once a luxury for a wealthy business man is now a necessity for every single working mothers, pierced teenagers, upper middle class families, and crack heads alike. Literally everyone and their mom has a cell phone and this isn’t just a phase. So why would I ever want to leave a booming business with such a high demand? Whether I worked at a mall with the infamous ghetto clientele or the ultra high class stand alone store that make BMWs look like KIAs, I remain the same; the insanity of the consumers is almost unbearable but it was their down right idiocy that kept me lmao and around for so long.  So how do you walk out of the store without the staff feeling sorry for those close to you and how do you learn to play the game? Simple, just ask the honest sales person.
20 We know when to pitch a 1.2 GHz processor and when to bust out the old school flip phone. 
(Please spare us the novel on why you don’t text, email or play around on that internet do-hickey. Just like they card you if you look like you’re under 40, we assume that you’re less than not tech savvy if you’re old enough to be our grandparents.)
19 Don’t kill the messenger
(Take a look around.  The vast majority of sales people look like they’re just trying to pay for college because… they are.  Though you keep reiterating the fact that it’s not our fault, it’s the company that’s trying to scam, it doesn’t change the fact that you need psychiatric help more than mobile advise.  Do cut us a break from time to time and if needed, take it out on a punching bag before the kid behind the counter that’s just trying to put food on the table.)
18 We know what your credit is like
(You can floss all you want and buy every latest and greatest to come out, but at the end of the day, please remember that we did run your credit [if you have prepaid you are a scrub by default]. Promises to come and clean the store out is always overlooked by your bad payment history and we already know what your deposit will look like should you leave for another company.)
17 Please leave your cock blocking, know it all, tech advisor at home… 
(..or in the sound proof box where he belongs.  A good 80% of the time they don’t know what they’re talking about, give you false, biased opinions that they call facts, and are long gone when you finally realize that they were wrong. We get product knowledge jammed into our little heads months before it comes out and tested on it twice a day. You’d be surprised at what we really make commission off of, and contrary to popular belief, we are looking out for what’s best for you, which leads me to my next point..)
16 Yes we make commission and no we wouldn’t sell our children for it
(Look at it this way: working at a cell phone company is not something that you can bounce from one to another. It takes time to learn the product, plans, and company objectives in full, so we do plan on sticking around.  Thus, the advise we give, and promises we make are legit and for our own benefit as well.  Ergo, we lie to you, it would only bite us harder than the commission check spits out.  Get the used car salesmen comparison out of your head because most of us are too young to even grasp, let alone master that kind of manipulation.)
15 You can’t always have what your friend has
(We’ve heard it all before but I’ve yet to actually meet this mysterious friend who you claim gets unlimited everything for five phones for 40 bucks a month.  Until you bring them in, we assume this friend does not exist. In addition to that, there‘s a little something called tenure, and what this is, is the amount of time you‘ve been with the company.  This sometimes makes a huge impact on what kind of plan you have so if this mysterious comrade is authentic, they were given such low prices due to time spent with the company. Meaning in order to get the same you must SPEND TIME WITH THE COMPANY.)
14 You must be at least 16 to get a prepaid phone
(Getting old is depressing, I get it, but we don’t ask you for your birthday to embarrass you horribly in front of the crowd of sexy young adults.  Unless you’re a vampire, you have nothing to get defensive about.  It’s already awkward for us to ask for a birthday so don’t make it a big deal because honestly, your age isn‘t that much of a secret.)
13 We’ve been through it in some way
(I know you think we see dollar signs on your head but we are bill-paying people too.  In addition to selling, we are also trained to empathize and act quickly to help solve your issues but you must first allow us to help and ‘allowing us to help’ does not mean muttering profanities under your breathe while I’m on the phone with customer care.  We can only focus on one conversation at a time so please do not tell me something very important while I’m conversing with someone overseas.  It’s distracting and will only keep you in the store longer.)
12 Please allow at least 30 minutes per transaction
(Meaning, if you need to transfer 100 pictures to your new phone please do not waltz in two minutes before we close and say “omg, I just made!” “Just making it” would be your arrival 30 minutes prior to closing as we also have families to come home, too. In addition to that, don’t burst through my door, race up to the cash pod, and throw your money at me because you start work in five minutes.  If you’re pressed for time, please leave your house accordingly. Also, being on the phone during a major plan change will only extend your time in the store.)
11 Plan ahead
(If you’re not sure what you want, please don’t bring your impatient husband and your screaming, untrained family of ten.  If you want to learn how to use your phone, please bring the phone and if you want to know why your phone won’t play music, please charge it beforehand.  We don’t have magic cords that plug into magic eight balls that we can shake to give us the answer.)
10 Google it
(The internet is a wonderful thing and in addition to watching free porn when you have the house to yourself you can also [drum roll..] research things. So if your phone isn’t holding a charge that well or you want to know how to check your voicemail all we ask is that you look it up first and if you can’t resolve the issue we are more than glad to help.)
9 Electronics are like babies..
(If you drop them they will break, if you go swimming with them they will drown and if you leave them on your dashboard for two days in a car in the middle of a Vegas summer, they will die-period.)
8 The Phone Companies Do Not Make the Products
(AT&T did not construct the Iphone. Verizon did not come up with the idea of making a touch screen Blackberry and calling it the Strom and T-Mobile did not design the software for the Sidekick. Please remember that though we sell the products, we did not make it.  So the next time you decide to go off on the representative because you thought it was stupid that they didn’t include headphones with the phone, or that we don’t carry certain accessories, write the manufacturer first.)
7 Insurance
(So this is the way it works: You first sign a contract and get the phone at $150 with a $50 mail-in rebate. This is not the full price of the phone; this is the price we give to you in exchange for your obligation to the company for two years.  If something were to happen to the phone before your contract is up, be it lost, stolen or damaged, the initial cost of the phone is $500.  That’s when insurance kicks in and just like car insurance, there is a deductible. If the initial price of the phone is below $200, then yes, it’s not worth it to get it.  If you are buying a $500 phone, you can argue the insurance deductible all you want, but at the end of the day, customers always learn the hard way.)
6 Customer Service
(Customer service: the provision of service to customers before, during and after a purchase. So if your job only includes service during the purchase you do not work in customer service and therefore, you do not understand how it works.  Please spare us the lecture on what customer service should be like.)
5 Authorized Resellers/Retailers
(They exist and you’ve probably seen or dealt with them without even knowing the difference. They’re like that deal that you knew was too good to be true but you took it anyway, forgot about it for a couple months until you received the bill that was three times the amount you talked about. You go back to dispute the charges and suddenly they don’t speak your language.  Now you know the difference between a corporate store and the wolf in grandmas clothing called “Authorized Reseller.”  Better to cut out the middle man and buy the cocaine straight from Colombia.)
4 Lack of usage never negates a contract
(Just because you haven’t used that phone line in a while because your ex went psycho or your 9 year old daughter proved to be irresponsible, you still must live out the reminder of the contract. Otherwise, why would anyone have a contract to begin with?)
3 Nothing is free
(If you receive a discount, whether it be $.25 or $200, yes you need to sign a contract. If anyone promises you something for free without anything in return, I’d be a little worried if I were you. Another thing to remember is that the excuse “I didn’t know,” or “I wasn’t told…” never works when there is paperwork involved.  Your signature indicates you are under full agreement.) 
2 Pouting never got your way before…
(And it sure won’t today. If you think waiving your ability to take your lines to another provider is a shoe-in to get what you want, you might want to save it for the CEO of the company.  Threats to leave for the competitor won’t get you anywhere but a few rolling eyes and couple of laughs from the customers behind you. If you wish to have a fake conversation with your husband about taking your business elsewhere, please step aside so we can help the people that deserve it. Again, we don’t make the rules, so yelling and shouting your plan to expose us to the channel five news will only get you the boot.)
(We just sat through a full 60 minutes of you complaining about how your life almost ended when you weren’t able to receive emails for a day, and we graciously nodded while you put us through another 60 minutes of telling us why your phone is so important to your million dollar business. You need to change your phone number or you need to cancel a line on your account. Maybe it’s time for a new phone and you’re down to extend your contract or maybe you’re simply stopping in to drop off that check that you forgot to mail.  Whatever it may be, please bring your identification card. Yes, we need it to extend your contract and yes we need it to change your phone number. How awesome would it be if that crazy girl you immediately regretted giving your number to was able to walk in and disable your service for not calling her back? How convenient would it sound if I told you that you’re ex husband came in, purchased five lines and charged it to your account? Or what if your check book slipped out of your fanny pack while you were playing the slots and the sweet old lady next to you used it to purchase her blackberry? And you blame the internet for identity theft…)

i am
i am:
-cold hearted


i am:
-ready to change


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